Which of the Four People-Pleasing Types Are You?

You know you’re a people-pleaser if you often put others first, don’t think about your needs, and worry a lot about what others think about you. But did you know that a people-pleaser can also be aloof, tries to avoid displeasing people but doesn’t actively try to please people? There are four different types of people-pleaser as identified by Emma Reed-Turrell, read on for a summary of these.

The Classic people-pleaser

This person wants to make things perfect for others, such as hosting the perfect surprise party or baby shower. They thrive on the appreciation that they get from other people for going the extra mile, it becomes their identity and people can expect them to always function in this high-functioning but self-sacrificing and over-giving way. They often have no idea what their needs are and being made to feel special by others feels addictive. Turrell explains that they don’t have self-esteem they have ‘other-esteem’- if someone else thinks they’re great then they do as well, however, feeling good about themselves becomes dependent upon other people’s views.

The Shadow people-pleaser

This people-pleaser grew up in the shadow of someone else and they have learned to be a good wing person, particularly to a more confident and dominant person. They may have had a narcissistic parent. They get appreciation from helping others achieve their goals and they like to build other people up. They have learned to deflate themselves to inflate other people and can become jealous and competitive with other people who might threaten their position as the wing person.

The Pacifier people-pleaser

The Pacifier’s aim is not to displease, as they have a fear of getting things wrong for others. They don’t like to offer their opinion or express themselves in a way that may be unpopular. Turrell names this as someone who takes on the quality of ‘breezy indifference.’ They like to bring people together, but don’t like taking up space in the group. They prefer the attention to be on other people.

The Resistor people-pleaser

The Resistor may not seem like a people-pleaser from the outside, but actually, they find it so difficult to displease others that they opt out of joining things which could result in them displeasing people. They may create the impression that they don’t care what others think and appear aloof, but deep down they do. The Resistor may refuse to placate other people or do things to please others, avoid intimacy, are self-sufficient and may be shut off from their feelings. They are not easily influenced by others and they are rarely praised.

The common factor with all these types of people-pleasers is that they all have a fear of rejection, but they have slightly different coping strategies to try to prevent this, ultimately keeping themselves feeling safe. A people-pleaser might identify with one of these types or with aspects of a few of the people-pleasing types. Becoming aware of how you people-please might also help you to work out why you do it and what you’re trying to avoid or attract with your tendencies.

I know that there are upsides and downsides to using labels, and some of us don’t like to feel like we’re being put in a box. But sometimes being able to name a certain tendency or group of behaviours helps to bring awareness to what’s happening. We can use these labels lightly, as a tool to look at patterns and find helpful ways to alleviate any difficulties that arise from this pattern.

People-pleasing is not a clinical diagnosis, it is a term that describes a pattern of behaviour, labelling people-pleasing and the type of people-pleasing for some people can help accept that this way of functioning might be causing them more difficulty than benefit. We may tell ourselves that people-pleasing is helpful and of course, the label is limited as people-pleasing is not the same as pleasing people (another blog post coming on that soon). If we’re aware that we respond in accordance with this label then we can look at what is needed to help live a more easeful life.

Having a label can bring up a mix of emotions; it can feel validating to know that others may have similar experiences, feel like something is wrong that needs to be fixed, have an urgency to make things better, or feel relief that you can understand and get guidance on how to respond. For me naming myself as a people-pleaser came after I had worked through the most troubling tendencies of people-pleasing, which gave me understanding and validation after the process. If I had more awareness about people-pleasing as a concept at an earlier age, it would have been easier to identify it as unhelpful and I could have attended to the relationship with others and myself earlier. I now aim to help others become aware and alleviate the problems that come up with people-pleasing to live a more fulfilling and authentic life.

So if you would like to discover more about overcoming the people-pleasing habit and becoming more empowered and fulfilled, you might be interested in working one-to-one with me, contact me here.